Brad Guzan Boner Delights Manchester City Supporters

Aston Villa and USMNT keeper Brad Guzan’s enormous boner early in today’s match at Etihad Stadium gave Manchester City a 1-0 lead less than three minutes into a crucial match for Villa’s future in the Premiership. Sergio Agüero took advantage of the boner to score his league-leading 21st goal of the campaign. » 4/25/15 12:44pm Yesterday 12:44pm

Looks Like Cristiano Ronaldo And MLS Are Tugging Each Other Off

Surprise, surprise. There are more whispers and rumors linking MLS with another aging star—in this case, Cristiano Ronaldo. And while the MLS- and Ronaldo-friendly version of events doesn’t make too much sense on its face, it’s not to hard to reverse engineer what’s most likely going on here. (That it might appeal to… » 4/24/15 5:11pm Friday 5:11pm

Argentine Goalkeeper Commits Two Clown Show Errors 

I know next to nothing about San Martín de Tucumán goalkeeper José Martínez Gullotta, but I feel confident saying this was the worst performance of his career. Playing his debut match for San Martín against Argentinos in the Copa Argentina round of 32, Gullotta turned his back to the field for God knows what reason,… » 4/23/15 11:32pm Thursday 11:32pm

Hulk Does It Again: Long-Range Strike Draws Zenit Even

Hulk goals lend themselves to hyperbole, and commentators already calling this ‘one of the greatest in Europa League history’ might be going a bit far. But still! This is Hulk, scoring a goal, and as we’ve learned through history that’s almost always a glorious thing. This one drew Zenit St. Petersburg even on… » 4/23/15 4:44pm Thursday 4:44pm

Bad Soccer Man Smashes Opponent In Face, Then Tries To Act All Innocent

In a weird way, you have to admire the shamelessness of soccer players. This guy so obviously slams the base of his palm into the other guy’s face, then immediately stands up and wags his finger, like “Noooo way, ref. Noooooo way did I just do anything.” The audacity is awe-inspiring. » 4/23/15 11:36am Thursday 11:36am

Bayern Munich's 6 Goals Against Porto Today, Ranked

Bayern Munich had their backs against the wall. Down 3-1 to Porto after the first leg and short most of their best players due to injury, rather than folding under the pressure, Bayern kicked the shit out of their opponents 6-1, including a 5-0 lead at halftime. Here are all six goals, ranked by a top-secret… » 4/21/15 6:19pm Tuesday 6:19pm

Oh My God, This Iniesta Run And Assist To Neymar Is A Thing Of Beauty

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Andrés Iniesta just ran practically the length of the pitch, slaloming past defender after defender before sliding in Neymar for the opener in today’s Barcelona-PSG Champions League return leg. Iniesta has been pretty good this year, but who knew he could still do THAT? » 4/21/15 3:10pm Tuesday 3:10pm

Nike Is Making The Norway Women's Soccer Team Play In "Unisex" Jerseys

The Norway women’s national soccer team is historically one of the best in the sport. Along with the USWNT, Norway are the only ones to have won both Olympic gold and the World Cup. It makes sense, then, that Nike would want to be the official jersey sponsor for a team with such pedigree. What doesn’t make sense is… » 4/21/15 11:52am Tuesday 11:52am

Fat Ronaldo: Still Rocking An Enormous Gut, Still Scoring Goals

Fat Ronaldo was in France today taking part in the UEFA Match Against Poverty, and he put on the single best display of fat-guy athleticism I think I’ve ever seen. Even wheezing up and down the pitch looking like he had a ball in his shirt, he still managed to contort his considerable girth, like a man 70 pounds… » 4/20/15 6:36pm 4/20/15 6:36pm

Antoine Griezmann Scored An Acrobatic Scissor Kick Because He's Amazing

Atlético Madrid’s Antoine Griezmann is playing out of his mind right now. In his first season in the incredibly demanding Diego Simeone system, playing in a new position as a central striker, he currently sits atop the non-Messi/Ronaldo La Liga scoring table with 20 goals. His 19th, scored on Saturday against… » 4/20/15 3:43pm 4/20/15 3:43pm

Soccer Player Cut From Team After Being Filmed Boning Fan In The Dugout…

The man you see above, hands at 1 and 8, eyes rolled back in coital bliss, is Jay Hart of English semi-pro soccer team Clitheroe. Formerly of Clitheroe, more accurately, since he was cut from the team after video of him and the fan you see above bumping uglies in the opposing team’s dugout after a match went public. » 4/20/15 10:23am 4/20/15 10:23am

45-Yard Golazo In 89th Minute Delivers Win For Indy Over San Antonio

Indy Eleven downed the reigning NASL champions last night in San Antonio on this stunning long-range and late-game golazo from Sergio Peña. The Honduran’s 45-yarder in the 89th minute broke a 1-1 deadlock and extended his team’s unbeaten streak to eight games. But seriously, check out this goal! (It even left the… » 4/19/15 10:45am 4/19/15 10:45am